Frequently Asked Questions about Swinging
The term swinging has been used in a lot of ways and there are as many definitions of the term as there are people who call themselves swingers. The most commonly accepted definition is that it is committed couples who have sex with other people. By a strict definition of terms, a single person is not a swinger. It is generally accepted that a single person is free to explore their sexuality with anyone that they choose, while traditionally when two people marry each other, the freedom to explore with others outside the marriage bonds ends. Unlike people who commit adultery, a swinging couple mutually agrees to continue to share and explore sexually together outside of their marriage.
Beyond that there is little that defines swinging because each couple has its own rules and its own expectations about what they want from the swinging experience. The constants within the Lifestyle (many prefer the term "Lifestyle" to "swinging") are that (1) No one should be pressured to do anything, (2) All swingers are expected to be discreet and not talk to non swingers about the Lifestyle and who participates, (3) Never get emotionally involved with a playmate, (4) Always respect other people's feelings and beliefs.
If you are asking this question, then it is likely that you are one of the legions of single males who want to participate in swinging. Well, the good news is that yes, there are couples who seek to include single males in their play. The bad news is that there are WAY more solo males wanting to play, than there are couples willing to play with them. Probably due to this over supply of solo male swinger wannabes, the majority of couples has had largely negative experiences with solo males and tend to steer clear of them.
There are lots of reasons that solo males are seen as a liability in the Lifestyle. Many are husbands looking to cheat on their wives. Many are men who think the swinging culture is full of loose women who will spread their legs for any man who asks. Many approach the Lifestyle with an attitude that not only turns swinging couples off, but also puts them on the defensive. In a nutshell, the average swinging couple see themselves as having an entirely different agenda from those who are outside of a committed relationship. Deana Barker reports on her web site that a single guy asked her about getting into a certain club and Deana told him that he would need a date to get in. He responded that if he had a date, he wouldn't need to go to a swing club. Like many single guys on the outside, he saw swinging as being about one-on-one sex for himself.
Most people who run clubs or have parties exclude single males because of what admitting single males would ultimately do to the male:female ratio. Many club owners who have tried to admit singles in a totally unrestricted fashion have found that the over supply of males ended up driving the couples away.
There are however a few solo male acts in the Lifestyle that do quite well. These tend to be the cream of the crop in terms of attitude. They know how to charm a couple, both the husband and the wife and know how to approach them as a couple rather than simply making a clumsy attempt to score with the wife.
The fact of the matter is that vaginal intercourse is not the most efficient way to transmit the HIV virus. AIDS is not likely to ever spread in the swinging community the way that it has done in the gay community. The virus is spread very efficiently through anal intercourse, which explains the prevalence of the disease in male homosexuals. According to information from the Centers for Disease Control, a woman is only likely to contract HIV from an infected male once in each one thousand times that she has intercourse with him. The factors that increase the opportunity for transmission are concomitant sexually transmitted diseases, and any factors that decrease the immune response.
The majority of people who participate in the Lifestyle do not use condoms yet there is no documented epidemic of STD's of any kind in the swinging community. That is not to say that there is no danger of disease transmission in the Lifestyle, but that the exposure is not as great for swingers as in the single dating community. There is some excellent documentation of this fact on the Liberated Christians Home Page at http://www.libchrist.com.
The PRIME DIRECTIVE in swinging is "No means No". The swinging community accepts the rule that EVERYONE has the right to say "No" to ANYONE at anytime. It should be done with a simple "No, thank you". Never give an explanation, because that is what causes problems and hurt feelings
Freedom to choose is every individual's right in swinging and respecting that right is the responsibility of every swinger. A "No, Thank you" should be accepted graciously. Everyone has the right to say "NO" at all times, to anyone, without explanation.
If you ever encounter a problem with someone at a social or at a house party, immediately seek out your host or hostess and let him or her know of the problem. There is no tolerance of pushy behavior in the Lifestyle and your host will take steps to take care of the problem and will appreciate you letting him know.
The Lifestyle is based upon COMMUNICATION more than any other factor. Swinging couples have an ability to talk openly about there feelings with one another and learning to do that must precede any decision or discussion of entering the Lifestyle.
A good way to start the process with a spouse is to talk about sexual fantasies, particularly those sexual fantasies that involve other people. Once you have established that your fantasies can be more of a source of excitement than a threat, it is much easier to begin talking in terms of bringing those fantasies into the real world.
No matter how you start the communication, it is not generally a good idea to simply blurt out, "Hey, do you want to swing?". Most people who have been in a long term monogamous marriage are going to be taken aback by that approach, and failure is almost assured. It is best to establish the idea over a period of time rather than try to rush.
No, you can't "swing" without your spouse's knowledge and consent. . You would be having an affair. Swinging requires two consenting adults who are open to the idea of participating in the lifestyle together. Most swinging couples are not going to have anything to do with someone who is sneaking around on a spouse. The swinging community is already assailed by literally millions of solo males looking to get laid anyway. Your best bet is to work on the communication in your marriage and try talking about the Lifestyle some more. Swinging isn't for every couple. If you can't agree on it, maybe it is not for you.
One of the most common misconceptions about swingers is that there must be something wrong with their relationship if they want to have sex with other partners. That truth is that swinging couples generally have very strong marriages and an exceptionally high level of trust and communication. Most swinging couples recognize that no one person can possibly be all things and sexual sharing outside of the marriage is seen as an enhancement of the relationship with the spouse. The fact is that most swinging couples report that their sexual frequency with EACH OTHER increases dramatically after they enter the Lifestyle.